greening out: a consequence of the most irresponsible and reckless
yeah, i was a mess that night. i knew i wasn’t going to be able to handle that night and just wanted to fall asleep so bad. not only did i make everyone around me wish that and ruin their nights, but i felt like it was going to be a long sleep.
my mind went blank and dark for awhile, time wasn’t a unit for me. i felt really warm, skin teasing hot, but i was shivering. i could recognize the voices around me. i saw their images in my mind as their voice resonated with their image. as i tried to open my eyes, i couldn’t. i couldn’t even feel the twitch in my eyebrows furrowing from confusion. but i knew i did. it was the natural instinct in this situation. i couldn’t move my arms or say a word. any external action from me was impossible. this wasn’t even the worst part.
as the night continued, i depended on the length of sentences and sounds that i heard for unit of time. my sight was still dark but i saw collective bursts of colors, fading in and out in different parts of my peripheral vision. i could still see faint images of the people that the voices belonged to. from the way my body sunk into the bed, it felt familiar. i could see the placement of the futon up against the wall with the window, tv set up on top of their drawers, and the coffee table covered in degeneracy in between the drawers and the bed. people crowded around that table. people flinging the door open asking if i was fine. people chattering about people and stories from the past. i could hear and imagine it all. i still felt frozen, shivering yet immobile.
you know those moments where you try to make your body breath on its own without you trying to pace the beat? i couldn’t do that. at one point, i remember i placed my heartbeat a priority above counting time. i was so focused on the pendulum of my heart swinging back and forth inside me. it felt like at any time, the pendulum was going to stop abruptly and i wasn’t in control of that.
i remember once people starting filing out, there were only two voices left. neither of people i was particularly close nor friendly with. i was starting to feel blood rushing, just a huge wave of warmth running up and down my body. when i tried to open my eyes again, it did. it took me a minute to recognize the two people in the room but i was still drowsy. i just wanted to get out of that place and get fresh air. i quickly made my way out and to this day, i can’t forget the paralyzed feeling and my impulsive decisions that led to that rock bottom feeling.
it was another time where discomfort and unfamiliarity led me down a dark road. my poor and naive intentions created a dependency to feel that way to avoid discomfort. scarily, that night wasn’t enough to make me stop. for the following 7 months, i continued to use, keeping me in that headspace until one day, i broke down during a run. that was when i realized how unhealthy that mentality and those decisions were.
i reflect on those months and it feels like a distant memory when it was only a little over a year then. during, i remember the many days and nights i proceeded to pride that energy on the sleeves of my arm as if it was fine and i was happy. those times i was in rooms full of people, where the amount of body heat made it humid, i felt even more lonely. those times i sat in a room with a small group of people felt empty. while the people around me were growing together, i felt like i was still paralyzed. my body was physically there, laughing along and contributing few lines to every few sentences, my mind was out of touch. and it seemed like any progress that i did make only reset every morning. the first and last thought of the day were always blurred and i really let myself go.
it wasn’t that i didn’t care for anyone around me. i always did but it just felt like i didn’t really know anything about them and they didn’t really know anything about me. everything that came out of my mouth was carefree and whatever, surface level, simplistic, superficial, shallow, sharing only the minor inconveniences. it felt like a social obligation, to be out there and act like everything was fine and this was just the person i had become and loved. that was all my identity had grew to: a form of degeneracy that was happy with it because wooo college, go wild! i had stopped working out, going to class, studying was always cut short with a “quick” session. my metabolism couldn’t keep up with my munchies and cravings and it showed on the scale. the only person i didn’t care for was myself.
today marks a year and 26 days since i have embarked on this new journey for myself. over the last year since, i’ve worked out every single day, with a few days off, and found dependence in myself rather than drugs. other aspects of my life have turned around for the better. my grades and relationships with professors progressed. i have been more communicative and close with the people i have in my life right now, many of whom i can imagine putting at the front seats of my wedding or up there standing along next to me. our conversations have blossomed and become something more than gossip and banter. and when the relationships have its discomfort, it’s been something i haven’t been scared to face anymore. it makes me want to grow with them and become better. i’m no longer unconscious to their beings and our growth together. i used to be so uncomfortable, so scared to open these doors and feel confident in myself amongst others that i turned to numbing myself to settle in life. but that wasn’t living. life was moving on with or without me, and i refused to stay behind.
