i was still happy at my lowest points
beyond the feelings of warmth and happiness i receive when i’m surrounded with the people i love, i still sometimes catch my mind wandering into dark places and as much as i try to fight them, they linger and some days, it is worse than others.
scrolling through my old pictures, i remember the moment i took them, thinking i looked so good and while i love the smile i had in the photos, i can’t say i am happy with the way i used to look. but sometimes, it just seems like nothing is ever going to be enough for me, there is always going to be something pushing it further and further across the line every time. and this mentality has made it hard to look in the mirror and be happy with myself sometimes.
id be lying if i said i haven’t been destructive. some days, i crave to be in a completely altered state of living because that feels like its the only thing that keeps me alive. in the last few months, there was a rough week that i spent under my covers in my dark room, lit only by a string of pink lights, struggling to pull myself out of bed and when i finally did, i threw myself over the edge. the brief moments of sanity that came to me days after were dark. why did i do it? i don’t really know. but it was too much to just say that i didn’t think about it before.
feelings are meant to be felt but i couldn’t say that for myself about pain. i don’t want to be in this oscillating state of happiness and destruction. i know i haven’t made much of an effort to and it’s been long overdue to face those demons that have lived rent-free in the back of my mind. i have been running for awhile and while i could go for a few more miles, i want to get better. for awhile, it had just felt like i was living in my dreams, times where all my memories were of my dreams and not being able to remember the time i spent living because it didn’t even give me the same pleasure of when i am asleep. i should wish to live more than to dream.
it has been more difficult than ever to put my thoughts into spoken words. a part of my mind is compressed with so many unspoken thoughts and feelings. things are desensitized, things are different, things are changing, things are unpredictable. i have come to terms that there is nothing i can really do to predict the future and there may be some universal effort that align every moment our way at times to get what we want in life, to be happy, but its not reliable. making plans gives me a sense of schedule and something concrete to look forward to. but still its not something that is truly concrete. plans change and the every road in life we encounter is not in our mental map.
accepting change is something that is hard to swallow. its that huge lump of food that you scarfed down too fast and is stuck at your throat and you need a drink to water it down. that was 2020 for many of us. all of our expectations and new year resolutions stuck at our throats, choking us for months, and now we’re all scavenging for water, some hope and spirits, to help swallow this lump in the new year of 2021.
it is always so much easier said than done. i can’t wake up tomorrow and actively seek a moment for change but it’s something i want to keep around in my mind. and when the time comes, to have that courage to take a leap of faith in myself as change is not limited to my comfort zone.
in the last 6 months, it feels like my life had taken an exit off a highway i felt like i had been on for awhile. it wasn’t that i wasn’t happy on that road. i was comfortable. but at the same time, i can’t say i prefer the old me over the person i am now. i’ve felt happiness in different and unfamiliar ways than i used to and i am too grateful to have it any other way. life isn’t perfect and i never would expect it to be. so much shit has and is still happening every day. relative to the world, my life is microscopic.
i always avoided hope because the certainty of my thoughts on the future was something i felt like would never happen because for so long, i despised being let down by life. for so long, that fear had been holding me back from being passionate and hopeful in life and only now, because of the people i have been surrounding myself around and having quarantined for a few months, i have finally looked up at the stars in the midst of the dark.
i think, amongst all that has happened, that life planned for this. i think about these people and the feelings i have experienced and consider myself so lucky. i have been so fortunate to experience immense love and care. before entering college, i had already fallen so deeply in love with someone. i have felt being comfortable in my most vulnerable states. i have felt hope through dark times and came out at the top. and it isn’t just the good feelings. i have had my heart broken, i have endured pain, i have hit rock bottom. yet i am still here. all those moments and feelings have accumulated to who i am today. i don’t want to hide the fact or diminish the darker moments of my life for the sake of “being happy.” after all, all feelings, whether it is warm or dark, are beautiful.
